On Deck and in Check: Conceding Sexuality to Men through Pop Music

So I’ve noticed a trend in popular music over the past few years or so. A trend that may seem like it should be forward movement to a hippy feminist like myself, but definitely isn’t.

You see, women have been able to express themselves through music in a sexual way-finally getting acknowledgement as sexual beings. Well...sort of.

Unfortunately, many times the ways in which the media portrays female sexuality are not true to female sexuality, but how male sexuality wants female sexuality to be. Sound confusing? Let me demonstrate what I mean by cutting straight to some lyrics from songs that are currently playing on top 40 hit stations...  

"Good for You" by Selena Gomez

“Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight
Do my hair up real, real nice
And syncopate my skin to your heart beating

'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours
Leave this dress a mess on the floor
And still look good for you, good for you, uh-huh”

"Cool for theSummer" by Demi Lavato

“Tell me what you want
What you like
It's okay
I'm a little curious, too
Tell me if it's wrong
If it's right
I don't care
I can keep a secret, can you?”

In lyrics like these women seem to have sex drives as do men, sure. Yet it still isn’t about what the woman wants. Songs like this portray female sexuality...but as male-centric. Let me further demonstrate my point with snippets from a couple of other popular songs:

"Bang Bang" by Jessie J.featuring Nicki Manaj and Ariana Grande

“Bang bang into the room (I know ya want it)
Bang bang all over you (I'll let ya have it)
Wait a minute lemme take you there (ah)
Wait a minute till ya (ah)
Bang bang there goes your heart (I know ya want it)
Back, back seat of my car (I'll let ya have it)
Wait a minute lemme take you there (ah)
Wait a minute till ya (ah)”

"All Around the World" by NatalieLa Rose

Boy, just tell me where you wanna go
I'll sit back, enjoy the ride (oh yeah)
Watch me wrap my body coast to coast
Trace a map of me tonight (oh yeah)

You know the, you know the
Language my body talks
You know what, you know what
I need to give it all
Nailed down to the bed
Now that you got a taste
Baby, don't you know where you should be?

If I was your girl, if I was your girl
I'd give it to you all around the world
If I was your girl, if I was your girl
I'd give it to you all around the world

"Hey Mama" by David Guetta, song/rapped by Nicki Minaj

“Best believe that, when you need that
I'll provide that, you will always have it
I'll be on deck, keep it in check
When you need that, I'ma let you have it."

"So baby when you need that
Gimme the word, I'm no good
I'll be bad for my baby

Make sure that he's getting his share
Make sure that his baby take care
Make sure I'm on my toes, on my knees
Keep him pleased, rub him down
Be a lady and a freak”

I could probably use the entirety of “Hey Mama” towards my argument but I think I’ve shown you enough to make a point. Yes, they are talking about wanting to have sex...but only as a means for pleasing the man.

So let’s just stop for minute. Hold up, pause the madness, halt.

Right now I’m not interested in ranting against these artists or dissecting the societal context of the issue. I just want to possibly mitigate some of the mental and emotional damage this has on young women by making a couple of points. Ladies, please listen:

1) It is okay to acknowledge your sexuality.

Whether or not you believe that sex should be saved for marriage/someone special, you can still acknowledge that women think about it. Talking about sex like it’s this thing that men love and women just concede to is highly contestable to many of us ladies and extremely unhealthy for relationships in general.

You are not a whore when something turns you on, and you are not a sinner for your perfectly natural desire to have satisfying sexual experiences. Sexuality isn’t normal for men and wrong or weird for women. We are all biological creatures with bodies that know they need to reproduce to continue the species.

2) No one is entitled to your sexuality.

Furthermore, a man being a man does not make him the owner of your sexuality.

Actually, let’s just go ahead and end this discussion without focusing on gender roles or stereotypes at all. Let’s talk about people having relationships with other people.

No matter how large your partner’s sexual appetite is, they are not entitled to your body. They do not own your body. No one is entitled to constant sexual satisfaction. Particularly in an actual relationship, sex is both physical and emotional. If one partner is not physically or emotionally at a place to have sex, it isn’t for them to just “get over it” so that the other partner doesn’t have to suffer a night without.

I’m not saying that you should disregard your partner’s physical needs. But you have physical needs as well, which are often tied to emotional needs. Maybe your physical needs include a certain amount of space or nights in which you just go to bed holding each other. They’re still valid.

In summary, what I hope you take away from this post is this: the sexual aspect of any relationship should be a consensual compromise that acknowledges the wants and needs of both individuals. Never one person staying “on deck” or "in check" for the other. 

3 Unnatural Things Women Do Because of Feminism

I’ve not been very active lately since I’ve been preoccupied with moving to Scotland for grad school, starting grad school, and finishing up a very time and energy consuming scholarship application. But I’m officially settled in and back at the blog! And today, I’d like to discuss three things that the outlandish realm of feminism has inspired some of my fellow womenfolk to do against their feminine nature.

Oh, the horror!

1) Not shaving

As absurd as it sounds, there are women walking among us more civilized creatures who do not shave. Not the armpit hair, not the leg hair....not even those moderately noticeable hairs that can sometimes crop up around the naval. Feminism has these women believing that appreciation for a hairless female body reflects an arbitrary and even unfair standard which our modern society holds for us. And to that I ask: why would we have finally decided to start doing it if it weren’t in our nature this whole time?

2) Casual Sex

Everyone knows that men are the more sexually veracious of the two genders. It’s only natural that men would be too physical to control their own thoughts and desires while women long only to attach themselves to one man. A man making a lewd joke at, following, or otherwise harassing a women who is scantily clad? What else could you expect from him? Men are so sexual they cannot control themselves, while women desire monogamy so direly they are willing to bear with men and their weaknesses. How could such an arrangement possibly result from the cultural conditioning of a male-dominated society as the feminazis claim?

And now the aftershock of the “sexual revolution” has women of all kinds engaging in hook-ups and swiping right on Tinder. The only explanation: feminism makes women think they want things they don’t really want.

So unlady-like...

3) Rugby

Feminism even has women believing they want to engage in dangerous contact sports. Instead of preserving the beautiful delicate features that all of us of the fairer sex are of course born with, they rebel against their nature in favor of sweat, concussions, and grass stains. I don’t really need to explain why this is unnatural...it’s all too obvious. Seriously, when have you ever heard of women tackling each other outside of sexy, panty-clad pillow fights? Nothing else is natural.

Okay, okay, let’s get serious for a minute. Obviously I’m being a bit snarky here. But unfortunately, each of the sarcastic points above was inspired by something I’ve read, heard, or seen in the real world.  

And let’s face it...whichever side of the fence you’re on, you have to concede a substantial amount of power to culture and ideas. If the feminist movement could make women chase after casual sex when that isn’t what we are wired to want-that is powerful. But if the long ideological history of a misogynistic society can influence women to suppress and be blind to their own sexual desires-that is powerful as well!

The stone I’m hoping to put in your shoe is this: what is more likely? That a movement which basically says “Hey, you should just go ahead and do what you want no matter what others think” would make human beings go haywire doing things they don’t actually have any natural desire to do? Or that the pressures of fitting into society and adhering to its interwoven worldview could indeed give human beings a distorted view of their own nature?

For me, the second is much more plausible. And honestly, if we could learn to recognize and break free from the expectations we were never meant to have for ourselves or others, the world would probably be a much better place.

Feel free to comment-but keep it civil, please!

Feminism is not a dress code or a personality type.

Picture taken from dkmz.net

Feminism has no dress code. No, I don’t want women to feel like they should dress sexily simply to cater to men. Nor do I want women to feel that they must adhere to certain standards of modesty simply to cater to men. 

The fact that our lives are still so often judged and regulated according to wants or even “needs” of men is infuriating. But if we as feminists try to make claims about what a “strong, independent woman” or “true feminist” would wear, aren’t we also forcing arbitrary and restraining rules upon women? Granted, I’m sure there are some extremes that I’d be willing to concede as exceptions. However, in the end, it’s up to every woman to make her own choices about her own wardrobe and to wear what she wants and believes to be appropriate for the situation, whether or not men like it (which, by the way, includes the option of men liking it). If she feels naked without a face covering, that is her business. If she feels restricted wearing a bra, that is her business.

This issue has been brought to my attention multiple times over the years, often because of my own treatment from both men and women when I wear shorts or a skirt they deem to be too short. Especially if I’m audacious enough to combine it with a tank top (oh, how will society stand?). Constant wardrobe monitoring of women isn’t shocking in a misogynistic society like ours. It is extremely disappointing, however, when men and women who identify as feminists engage in such behavior.

Of course there are situations where certain clothing isn’t appropriate for men or women...and as long it’s not a double standard, I’m fine with that. But if I’m dressing for another casual day of trying to live my life, why do I need a dress code?

As blogger and artist Megan Gedris puts it, “What makes any article of clothing oppressive is someone forcing you to wear it. And it’s just as oppressive to force someone not to wear something that they want to wear.”

But hey, let’s take it a step further. I’ve also noticed, often from personal experience, that we tend to make assumptions about people’s character based on their personality. Maybe we don’t even realize there is a difference between personality and character. But there definitely is.

People at my university often assumed that my bubbliness and cutesiness went hand in hand with ditsiness and childishness. And, to be fair, since my freshman year started shortly after I turned 17, undergrad was largely an experience of my teenhood. Yet I graduated at 20 with a GPA just .09 away from perfect and with multiple student life leadership positions, several volunteer positions and projects, and a semester abroad at Oxford under my belt.

But this is only one example of how we all tend to judge ourselves and others according to personality traits instead of character traits. Here’s another: Acting like a tough guy doesn’t make you strong. Some of the strongest people I know are my grandmothers-both of my natural grandmothers as well as my dad’s stepmom-who have all experienced a lot through the years. I admire those who suffer with quiet strength and persistence, holding their own while continuing to be a reliable source of strength for others when needed.

Do you see where I’m going with this? And again, not only is this way of thinking common in our society in general (and probably in at least most human societies), but it also seeps into modern feminist thinking and can only be detrimental to our progress. Especially when you consider that many of the stereotypes we use to interpret personality traits glorify those seen as masculine and belittle, mock, or trivialize those seen as feminine.

She wears high heels, you wear sneakers? She’s cheer captain and you’re on the bleachers? Great. You can BOTH be strong, intelligent, independent individuals with meaningful lives.

We’ll never be perfect. But we’ve got to weed the yard sometimes to keep up the momentum and relevance of the movement. And I’d like to suggest that any attempted mold of an “ideal feminist” is a weed that simply has to go.

How to Tell if a Movie is a Dude Flick

Photo by jwblinn/iStockphoto

We all know a chick flick when we see one. The main character or characters are chicks, the main dude is some version of prince charming…etc etc.

But how do you tell if a movie is a dude flick? It’s a bit less commonly defined.

Thus, I put to you the dude flick test. If a movie meets three basic criteria, it passes as a dude flick: (1) There are no more than two women in it and  (2) they don’t talk to each other unless (3) it’s about a man.

Let’s try it out with a few of 2014’s biggest films.

~The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Little dude, big dragon, lots of fighting. Bard has two daughters but all they do is scream and cry while the son helps save the day, leaving only the two elvish women as plot-important chicks and they don’t share scenes so PASS!

~Unbroken

A few WWII soldiers survive a plane crash and over a month drifting at sea only to be captured by the Japanese navy. I haven’t actually seen this one, but I scrolled down the complete cast list on IMBD until I got to roles as generic as “young bully” and only saw one female actress, so I think you’re safe. PASS!

~Guardians of the Galaxy

A human dude, an alien chick, an alien dude, a talking raccoon, and an animate tree save everybody from evil alien dudes. The important alien chick, Gamora, does talk to her evil sister, Nebula a few times. So it comes close, but it doesn’t quite past the dude flick test. But they’re both pretty hot in this badass alien chick way so I’m sure you’ll still enjoy it. FAIL! But barely.

~The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1

Female main character who talks to her mother and sister, the female future president of Panem, and a propo director chick with really cool tattoos. Sorry boys, this one fails. But, don’t worry, it’s not like it’s female dominated. Actually if you look at the cast list you’ll notice that there’s still slightly more men in plot pertinent roles than women.

Okay. This is just a sample. But I could go on all day, and the pattern would be the same. If we use a standard for dude flicks that says there can only be one or two important female characters and they can only converse to each other about male characters, you would think that only a small fraction of mainstream movies would qualify. But that’s not the case.

As a matter of fact, I have to confess that I didn’t make up this test completely on my own. I actually adapted it from something called the Bechdel Test.

It’s just as you feared! It’s a trap! A feminist trap! Come on, you stuck with me this far. Hear me out.

The Bechdel Test is a low bar test for gauging sexism in movies. Its three criteria are the inverse of those for the dude flick test. So a film passes the Bechdel Test if it has 1) at least two women in it (2) who talk to each other (3) about something other than a man.

This is the 21^st century. Age of equality. Only a few particularly dudely movies will fail. Right?

Wrong. If you go to bechdeltest.com you can see and add to a database of movie reviews saying whether or not a given movie passes. This is open for the public so both men and women can rate the films they watch (not just us pesky feminists).

You’ll notice that not only do a good portion of current movies fail, but a lot of the movies that pass only do so by the skin of their teeth. If you click on the movie title you can read people’s reviews and comments. They’re often debating about whether the few slivers of conversation between the female characters in the movie really count.

Take Guardians of the Galaxy for example. Don’t get me wrong, this is a really fun, enjoyable movie. But it fails the dude flick test and passes the Bechdel Test with just a few minutes of conversation. And it follows the same trend as lot of other super hero movies, such as the Avengers and the Fantastic Four, where there is a team of heroes and not only is there one female but her gender is one of her defining characteristics.

You’re unique because you’re a talking raccoon. You’re unique because you’re walking tree. You’re unique because you’re a hot alien chick.

This is just one example of men being implicitly presented as “standard” and women being presented as “other.”

Alright, I’ve lectured you on the Bechdel Test long enough. Before I let you go, I want go ahead and address a few responses I’ve gotten from men when bringing this is up in the past.

        Movies cater to men because men go to the movies more.
How do you know that men don’t go to the movies more because movies cater to men?

        You just started voting, what, 100 years ago? Baby steps.

Oh you’re right. The USA waited a century and a half for women’s suffrage. If we can wait that long to vote we can certainly wait for equal representation on screen. Silly me. 

SERIOUSLY?! The fact that we had to fight for a basic civil liberty does not mean that we’re obligated to wait around for equality in other areas. I mean really, why would you even say that? I just can't. Can't even.

 Come on, it’s just a movie. Stop being petty.

 It’s not just about one movie. It’s about a huge and culturally significant industry that both reflects and influences our societal values. Men, specifically white men, still dominate almost every industry. The realm of entertainment is no exception. I know you’re annoyed that you "can’t just enjoy the damn movie," but women and minorities are annoyed at constantly being belittled and relegated to roles that revolve around you. So who’s really being petty here? 

Look, I don’t expect anyone who reads this to go protest or abstain from anything related to JJ Abrams. All I ask is that you look with open eyes at gender inequality and stop belittling women who are tired of it.  If nothing else, next time you’re at the movies and your lady friend is begging you to watch some stupid chick flick instead of a “normal, everybody movie,” think twice about how you respond. 

Why you should be glad I don't want to be your fairytale princess.

With the rise of feminism, many of us are rejecting the old standard of the ideal woman. I don’t want to be your Cinderella. I don’t think I could be if I tried.

>I’m not a great cook, my room is always messy, and pretty much any roommate I’ve ever had will tell you that I don’t wash my dishes in a timely manner. I’ve known what career I’ve wanted since I was ten years old, and I will prioritize work responsibilities before having a spotless kitchen or always having a home-cooked meal for dinner.

>I don’t always care if you think I’m pretty. Sure, sometimes I like getting dressed up. But other times I just want to wear a t-shirt and sweat pants. And no, they won’t always be those yoga pants that make my butt look good. Maybe you don’t think I’m classy for showing up to a lecture in my pajama bottoms with my unwashed hair in a messy bun. But guess what? I’M COMFY. Besides, at least I showed up.

>And I’m definitely not always meek, mild, and sweet. I can be obnoxious, I can be annoying, and I can be a jerk. It’s part of the whole being human thing.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Here’s the best part about rejecting the gender stereotypes we see in fairytale relationships: IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

Look, I’m no Cinderella. But I don’t need her kind of Prince Charming, either.

>I don’t need a rich kid who brings home enough money for bills + weekly manicures. I want a man who is doing whatever he’s passionate about, whether or not that entails a traditional career. We’ll deal with chores, bills, and kids accordingly. It isn’t just about rejecting what society thinks our roles in the relationship should be. It’s about splitting responsibilities and supporting each other’s dreams in a way that works for us as a unique pairing of two unique people.

>I don’t need the guy who all the girls at the ball came to chase. If and when I end up settling down, the number of women who are jealous that I’ve taken my man off the market is totally irrelevant. I just need someone who I can’t get enough of…and who can’t get enough of me. It isn’t just about realizing that women have other sources of value than physical beauty. It’s about realizing that people are diverse and there is no such thing as “the perfect woman” OR “the perfect man.”

>And he doesn’t need to be the infallible gentleman who is always strong and can fix anything. I’m attracted to humans, which means I’m attracted to beings as imperfect as myself. It isn’t just about dissolving negative perceptions of female emotion. It’s about realizing that NOBODY has it all together, that treating your partner with love and respect will never be effort-free, and that any successful relationship involves learning to apologize AND forgive with grace.

And at this point, some will say, “Aha! If more feminists were like this, maybe I’d support them more.”

Here’s the thing: if a woman is using feminism to demand change for women yet deny it to men, she isn’t using it correctly. The feminist movement is not about women “getting ahead.” It’s about getting equal. And many of the issues that affect women also affect men.

And here, there will be another round of folks who say, “Well if it isn’t just about women, why call it feminism?”

Not so fast. Many of the issues feminists are fighting to address do affect men, but that doesn’t mean we’re all equally unequal. Maybe it isn’t any fairer to expect a man to be the bread winner than to expect a woman to be the stay-at-home partner. Historically, however, being the bread winner HAS come hand in hand with having more power and respect within the household and society in general. When we see more women succeeding in the realms of business and politics and less woman being sexually harassed, maybe then we can talk about retiring the word and replacing it with a less gendered alternative.

In the end, I guess what I’m trying to say is: we don’t want to be the girls that history and our resulting society demand us to be. But we don’t want the boys demanded by that same narrative, either.

We are human beings who want to connect with, love, and be loved by other human beings.